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your funny/sick jokes


RosinaKiwi
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mika seems to have a sence so Humor, and im sure some of us here do too

why dont you share the most funny joke you hear/have heard

would give us all a laugh, and arm us with more jokes to tell other people!

it would just over all be pointlessly delicious

 

ok well here is my joke, comes with a little bit sick WARNING!!!

 

Q:How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A:two but how they got in there in the first place beats me! :roftl: :roftl: :roftl:

 

now its your turn!!

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Joke #1

 

So a piece of rope walks into a bar, and asks for a glass of wine. The bartender says "sorry, no can do - we don't serve rope in this bar! Get out!"

 

So the rope walks out, ties himself in a knot, ruffles up his edges, and walks back in.

 

He orders another glass of wine.

 

Bartender: Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that was just in here?

 

Rope: Nope! I'm a frayed knot!!!

 

Joke #2

 

So a guy walks into a bar carrying a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender: "Yeah, I'll take one for me and one for the road!"

 

~~~

 

I'm so bad, I know :roftl:

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Q:How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A:two but how they got in there in the first place beats me! :roftl: :roftl: :roftl:

 

now its your turn!!

 

 

okay, so i don't know if it's a language problem... or because i stayed up all night and it's now morning, but i don't get it...:shocked:

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okay, so i don't know if it's a language problem... or because i stayed up all night and it's now morning, but i don't get it...:shocked:

 

IT depends on the meaning of the word screw! screw is also used for......having chicken with someone!

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Joke #1

 

So a piece of rope walks into a bar, and asks for a glass of wine. The bartender says "sorry, no can do - we don't serve rope in this bar! Get out!"

 

So the rope walks out, ties himself in a knot, ruffles up his edges, and walks back in.

 

He orders another glass of wine.

 

Bartender: Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that was just in here?

 

Rope: Nope! I'm a frayed knot!!!

 

Joke #2

 

So a guy walks into a bar carrying a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender: "Yeah, I'll take one for me and one for the road!"

 

~~~

 

I'm so bad, I know :roftl:

 

 

god i dont know how but those jokes are so bad their almost good! :roftl:

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ahahah ;s

ok my favourite jokes it's about morbid humor, so the most part of you will dislake my jokes.. but whatever!

 

1st joke:

Q: Why Santa Claus don't goes to Ethiopia?

A: Child don't eat, don't deserve present.

 

2nd joke:

Q: What's the main cause of migration at Ethiopia?

A: The wind.

 

3rd joke:

Q: What is more fun than a dead baby?

A: A dead baby wearing like a clown

 

 

Don't hate me .. It's just humor :cool: :cool:

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ahahah ;s

ok my favourite jokes it's about morbid humor, so the most part of you will dislake my jokes.. but whatever!

 

1st joke:

Q: Why Santa Claus don't goes to Ethiopia?

A: Child don't eat, don't deserve present.

 

2nd joke:

Q: What's the main cause of migration at Ethiopia?

A: The wind.

 

3rd joke:

Q: What is more fun than a dead baby?

A: A dead baby wearing like a clown

 

 

Don't hate me .. It's just humor :cool: :cool:

 

wow.. it was still quite harsh:boxed:

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ahahah ;s

ok my favourite jokes it's about morbid humor, so the most part of you will dislake my jokes.. but whatever!

 

1st joke:

Q: Why Santa Claus don't goes to Ethiopia?

A: Child don't eat, don't deserve present.

 

2nd joke:

Q: What's the main cause of migration at Ethiopia?

A: The wind.

 

3rd joke:

Q: What is more fun than a dead baby?

A: A dead baby wearing like a clown

 

 

Don't hate me .. It's just humor :cool: :cool:

 

................... quite a bit harsh! wouldnt you think!

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A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"

 

Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

 

The wife replies, "I DON'T CARE! JUST GET OUT!"

 

----------

 

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

 

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

 

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

 

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

 

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

 

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.

 

----------

 

"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"

 

The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

 

----------

 

During a rather heated argument, Morris the husband bellowed, "You don't

deserve a man like me."

 

The wife Sherry retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got

that too."

 

----------

 

Once upon a time, a smart, independent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond.

 

The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a handsome prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and u can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

 

That night while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't think so!"

 

----------

 

What do you call a mushroom that runs into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone?

I guess that would be a Fun Guy.

 

----------

 

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

 

----------

OK OK i know their really bad lol! but hey theyre kind of funny right?!?!? :roftl:

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lol i'm having fun reading all of your umm.... AWESOME jokes lol

 

i've always been terrible at jokes... i've had the same favorite joke since i was like 3 lol here it goes!!!!!!

 

 

Why is 6 afraid of 7??????????

 

CAUSE 7 ATE 9!!! 7 8 9!!!!! HAHAHA

 

 

*knee slap*

 

good one, right?? yeahhhh!!! you guys wish you had awesome jokes like me!!

 

 

lolllll

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lol i'm having fun reading all of your umm.... AWESOME jokes lol

 

i've always been terrible at jokes... i've had the same favorite joke since i was like 3 lol here it goes!!!!!!

 

 

Why is 6 afraid of 7??????????

 

CAUSE 7 ATE 9!!! 7 8 9!!!!! HAHAHA

 

 

*knee slap*

 

good one, right?? yeahhhh!!! you guys wish you had awesome jokes like me!!

 

 

lolllll

 

 

AND why is 1 afraid of 7?

BECAUSE 7812!

 

HAHA :roftl: that reminds me of a game we used to play

you won it, I two it, you three it, I four it, you five it, I six it, you seven it and I ate it!!! :roftl:

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HAHA :roftl: that reminds me of a game we used to play

you won it, I two it, you three it, I four it, you five it, I six it, you seven it and I ate it!!! :roftl:

 

lol that's what we do when we see road kill on the side of the road as disturbing as that sounds!!

 

DEAD SKUNK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

I won it

I two it

I three it

I four it

I five it

I six it

I seven it

I JUMPED OVER IT AND YOU ATE IT!!

HEYYYY NOT FAIR!!!

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lol that's what we do when we see road kill on the side of the road as disturbing as that sounds!!

 

DEAD SKUNK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

I won it

I two it

I three it

I four it

I five it

I six it

I seven it

I JUMPED OVER IT AND YOU ATE IT!!

HEYYYY NOT FAIR!!!

 

ewwwwwwwwwwww...THAT IS HORRIBLE :naughty: :naughty:

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DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

 

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

 

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

 

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts

 

AND my all time personal favorate i found in a fortune cookie the otherday

Drum roll please....................................

 

A closed mouth gathers no foot

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Okay I got another. This is THE best joke ever, I'm sure y'all have heard it.

 

~~~

 

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist.

 

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I'm sorry, all we have are things like Tylenol and Kleenex. Try the grocery store down the road.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I told you yesterday, we don't have grapes, try the grocery store.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No! I told you yesterday AND the day before, we don't have grapes! In fact, if you come in here ONE MORE TIME asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any nails?

Pharmacist: No, why?

Duck: Got any grapes?

 

:roftl:

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Okay I got another. This is THE best joke ever, I'm sure y'all have heard it.

 

~~~

 

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist.

 

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I'm sorry, all we have are things like Tylenol and Kleenex. Try the grocery store down the road.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I told you yesterday, we don't have grapes, try the grocery store.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No! I told you yesterday AND the day before, we don't have grapes! In fact, if you come in here ONE MORE TIME asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any nails?

Pharmacist: No, why?

Duck: Got any grapes?

 

:roftl:

 

 

:roftl: :roftl:

 

A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A police man pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."

 

The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.

 

The same police man pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the bobby said. The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies. "

 

 

 

AND check this out! real dog food adds from here in New Zealand

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00842.jpg

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00843.jpg

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00845.jpg

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DI

 

A closed mouth gathers no foot

 

AHAHAH THAT ONE WAS FUNNY!!!

Okay I got another. This is THE best joke ever, I'm sure y'all have heard it.

 

~~~

 

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist.

 

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I'm sorry, all we have are things like Tylenol and Kleenex. Try the grocery store down the road.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No, I told you yesterday, we don't have grapes, try the grocery store.

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any grapes?

Pharmacist: No! I told you yesterday AND the day before, we don't have grapes! In fact, if you come in here ONE MORE TIME asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!

 

The duck walks out.

 

Next day, the duck walks back into the pharmacy.

Duck: Yeah, do you got any nails?

Pharmacist: No, why?

Duck: Got any grapes?

 

WOW. I ALREADY HEARD IT. but it was so good to hear it again! well... read it again eheh!

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:roftl: :roftl:

 

A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A police man pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."

 

The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.

 

The same police man pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the bobby said. The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies. "

 

 

:roftl: :roftl: :roftl:

AHAHAH!! I am laughing so hard!!!!!!

be sure that'll be my greatest joke in my next party ahhah

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:roftl:santer.gif:roftl:

 

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live

 

-------

 

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

 

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

 

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

 

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

 

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

 

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

 

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

:roftl: :roftl:

 

AND check this out! real dog food adds from here in New Zealand

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00842.jpg

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00843.jpg

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/adverts/ATT00845.jpg

 

And this one is for the chocoholics

The rules of chocolate

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

 

~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries

 

- all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

 

~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

 

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

 

~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

 

~ But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

 

~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

 

~ Money talks. Chocolate sings.

 

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

 

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

 

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

 

 

 

ok thats enough im fresh out of jokes at the moment!

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