Normality

[CazGirl]

i've had quite a deep conversation with someone rather close to me tonight.

 

she's had a rough time at home for about two years now and i've been oblivious to it. she's had blazing rows with her parents to the point where both of them have thrown her clothes outside the front door on a few occassions, one of her parents have hit her (not the the point where she had to go to the hospital, but still...) and is now having counselling sessions. it really shocked me cos i knew nothing about it...and i dont blame myself for not knowing because how can i know if no-one's told me? but i feel terrible for not helping...not that i could help, but i wish i could have....even though that there's nothing i can do to change the past. i don't blame her for not telling me either ... she doesn't like talking about deep feelings and shizz and she's allowed to keep things to herself, but this is major stuff. i'm just glad something's getting done about it now.

 

thing is, the parent that hit her never struck me as the violent type. apparently they've had counselling in the past but never continues with it....but am seriously thinking that the family need group counselling. (not that it's my place to intervene...)

 

but there's one thing she said that really saddened me. she said "it's more normal than you think." to which i responded, "it's not normal at all.

when something happens regularly, or more than once, or in a lot of families, it doesn't make it normal. in any way, shape or form. it's abuse, end of." and then she said: "its the 21st century. its not right, but its pretty much the norm."

 

the attacks in her house don't happen a lot, only about three times in total i think, but it's NOT THE POINT. the above quotes were meant about abuse in general.

 

after that, i said "unfortunately my dear, the more time goes on, the more i begin to think that normality doesn't exist."

 

but...what is "normality" exactly? did it ever exist? is it a fantasy? is it false hope?

 

what is it? discuss...

[Nielo]

The definition of normal is always a bit troublesome, cause different people have different definitions.

In this case, however, I don't think 'normal' is the word that should be used. It might be occuring frequently in a lot of households, but that doesn't make it normal. It's wrong en something should be done about it. Although that's easier said than done.

[Diana]

'Normality' is subjective. It does exists but there's no universal definition of it because everyone has their own view of what's normal to them..

[marlau_20zr]

normality depends of the context it is use.. but in this case a dad who hits his daughter no matter what she has done is wrong!!!

as a friend Caz maybe you could talk to her and recomend her to all her family go to therapy..

it could very dangerous to your friend... really! i`ve know people who is in the same situacion.. it`s very sad

[Wendi]

What is normal to one person can be the polar opposite to another!

There are lots of things that happen behind closed doors - and as

we get older we notice them a lot more. Growing up can be a bit

depressing at times!

[xBillyBrownx]

Personally I don't think normality exits. Normal is something that is socially acceptable I suppose.. But doesn't mean that they are morally...

However I don't think it's possible for something to be completely normal.. Especially with people.. Everyone's weird in their own little way..

[Ruth]

I guess if someone is being hurt, then it's normal for them, even though it's absolutely wrong.

 

I do think teenage years can blow families apart, especially if they've had problems before. (she is a teenager I'm guessing?) I've been lucky with placcid children, but apparently that's not healthy either!

[Wendi]

Another good example of why "normal" can't be quantified is that

awful case in Austria. To the children kept in that cellar - their

life was normal!! They knew nothing else!!

[Ruth]

However I don't think it's possible for something to be completely normal.. Especially with people.. Everyone's weird in their own little way..

 

I think we on the MFC know that very well :/

[Ruth]

Another good example of why "normal" can't be quantified is that

awful case in Austria. To the children kept in that cellar - their

life was normal!! They knew nothing else!!

 

Breathtaking isn't it , as the details come out!!!!

[Wendi]

Breathtaking isn't it , as the details come out!!!!

 

Shocking and desperately sad. The children are frightened of daylight

and people!!

[marlau_20zr]

girls.. i know this don`t anything to do with me but i`m really worried about this girl... his father could hurt her badly one of these days

[Mika Freaka =)]

I knew a guy who went through this and i dont agree about it being right...... normal on the other hand is a word i tend not to use as the definition to me isnt fixed.....

i really hope things get better for her

[CazGirl]

girls.. i know this don`t anything to do with me but i`m really worried about this girl... his father could hurt her badly one of these days

 

while i doubt that anything serious will happen, i can't say it won't. she's not afraid of him, even after hitting her. she's a very strong character but i've said to her that i know how to pull a brave face when I'm crumbling inside. she knows i'm here for her when she needs me and i've told her that she doesn't need to go through this alone...although it's her life and completely her own choice...but i'd rather she went through it with support. another thing she said to me was that she wants to get out of home asap but needs to find the confidence to be independant which i can relate to, because staying at home with the parents is slowly becoming painful. we're both 18, just so you know...

[guylainem123]

Another good example of why "normal" can't be quantified is that

awful case in Austria. To the children kept in that cellar - their

life was normal!! They knew nothing else!!

 

yes, i heard about that on the news.... that is just horrible.

i can't get over it

[CazGirl]

yes, i heard about that on the news.... that is just horrible.

i can't get over it

 

it's sick, if anything. that poor woman had no life of her own.

[xBillyBrownx]

I think we on the MFC know that very well :/

 

I know.. It's something to be proud of!

 

Another good example of why "normal" can't be quantified is that

awful case in Austria. To the children kept in that cellar - their

life was normal!! They knew nothing else!!

 

That's SHOCKING:shocked:

[marlau_20zr]

while i doubt that anything serious will happen, i can't say it won't. she's not afraid of him, even after hitting her. she's a very strong character but i've said to her that i know how to pull a brave face when I'm crumbling inside. she knows i'm here for her when she needs me and i've told her that she doesn't need to go through this alone...although it's her life and completely her own choice...but i'd rather she went through it with support. another thing she said to me was that she wants to get out of home asap but needs to find the confidence to be independant which i can relate to, because staying at home with the parents is slowly becoming painful. we're both 18, just so you know...

 

yep... i understand!

18.. well.. at least in a couple of years she could be out of her house.

[Fmbm]

There is no such thing as normality, just commonality.

[riverstwilight]

but there's one thing she said that really saddened me. she said "it's more normal than you think." to which i responded, "it's not normal at all.

when something happens regularly, or more than once, or in a lot of families, it doesn't make it normal. in any way, shape or form. it's abuse, end of." and then she said: "its the 21st century. its not right, but its pretty much the norm."

 

It sounds like she was using the idea of normalcy as an emotional comfort for both of you. It can be very embarrassing when a close friend discovers something that a person isn't comfortable revealing. The situation seems more real and awful when another people know about it.

 

Ok, that looks kind of confusing. So, let me try this:

A person in a situation that is cleary not normal or healthy still wants to feel normal and healthy. The more people who know about it, the harder it is for that person to feel like s/he is still normal and healthy despite what is going on. So, as a defense, that person might say that it's a normal situation, not because the person actually believes it's normal, but because that person wants to hold on to feeling normal.

 

I think that your friend may have been trying to make both of you feel better about what is happening because it's very difficult to cope with abuse, no matter what level is taking place. Nobody wants to feel powerless. It's hard not to feel that way when other people know.

 

There may be other reasons she said it, but that's the one the came to my mind. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend is to be an example of what is normal and healthy, so that she doesn't forget that there are places in the world where she can feel safe and loved without the pain. You don't have to excuse what is happening to her or allow her to believe it's normal just so she can feel safe and loved. Going along with it just makes things worse.

 

You definitely did the right thing by saying that it isn't normal. Even though she deflected your response, she still heard it. That makes a difference, even if you can't see that it did.

 

It sounds like you are being a good friend to her. Sometimes, that's the best thing you can do for someone who is hurting. I hope that she's able to find a way out of that situation and build a healthy life for herself.

[CazGirl]

It sounds like she was using the idea of normalcy as an emotional comfort for both of you. It can be very embarrassing when a close friend discovers something that a person isn't comfortable revealing. The situation seems more real and awful when another people know about it.

 

Ok, that looks kind of confusing. So, let me try this:

A person in a situation that is cleary not normal or healthy still wants to feel normal and healthy. The more people who know about it, the harder it is for that person to feel like s/he is still normal and healthy despite what is going on. So, as a defense, that person might say that it's a normal situation, not because the person actually believes it's normal, but because that person wants to hold on to feeling normal.

 

I think that your friend may have been trying to make both of you feel better about what is happening because it's very difficult to cope with abuse, no matter what level is taking place. Nobody wants to feel powerless. It's hard not to feel that way when other people know.

 

There may be other reasons she said it, but that's the one the came to my mind. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend is to be an example of what is normal and healthy, so that she doesn't forget that there are places in the world where she can feel safe and loved without the pain. You don't have to excuse what is happening to her or allow her to believe it's normal just so she can feel safe and loved. Going along with it just makes things worse.

 

You definitely did the right thing by saying that it isn't normal. Even though she deflected your response, she still heard it. That makes a difference, even if you can't see that it did.

 

It sounds like you are being a good friend to her. Sometimes, that's the best thing you can do for someone who is hurting. I hope that she's able to find a way out of that situation and build a healthy life for herself.

 

woman you're like over active asexual plant who can't stop offspringing seeds - the wisdom and understanding you contain just falls right out of you. That was beautifully said and made me see a different point of view. thanks.

[riverstwilight]

woman you're like over active asexual plant who can't stop offspringing seeds - the wisdom and understanding you contain just falls right out of you. That was beautifully said and made me see a different point of view. thanks.

 

*blushes so hard head spontaneously combusts*

*sprinklers switch on*

*flames die*

*head bursts into blossom*

 

Always glad to help if possible

[elanorelle]

Normal? i was never normal! :roftl:

[elanorelle]

*blushes so hard head spontaneously combusts*

*sprinklers switch on*

*flames die*

*head bursts into blossom*

 

Always glad to help if possible

 

hey girl! i will respond to your email with a big lengthy email!

 

:wub2:

[riverstwilight]

hey girl! i will respond to your email with a big lengthy email!

 

:wub2:

 

I am still looking forward to it

Where is it?

 

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