Is It Worth It?

[Iriss_A]

So i have friends who have been a big help to me, we hang out sometimes, they've taken me to concerts, they have taken me to dinner and well they've listened to me. Even though they've done all that for me, they always criticized my life...the way i live it. I take care of my siblings, do chores and help out my family when they need it. That keeps me busy now that i dont go to school anymore. They think it isnt fair, i should be out late or hanging out with them all the time, when they feel like i should be with them. My little brother was born with hydrocephalus which means water in the head. So he's a little disabled, he's a little behind for his age and he cant walk yet. I spend most of my time taking care of him and my friends think i should take some time off. They're always saying that i should get out, that my mom is being unfair by making me take care of my siblings while she's working and while my dad is working too. They've criticized every choice i've made and i dont do that to them. I wonder sometimes if all the things they've done for me is really worth putting up with their criticism.

 

What do you guys think?

[IngievV]

I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Don't listen to others, listen to yourself!

[Iriss_A]

i sometimes fear doing what i feel like doing, i feel that if i do want i feel is right, im gonna end up pushing others away and i'll be left with no one. i hate that part of myself.

[Eglė]

It won't be a big problem to me, because, well, it's me and my point of view. I cannot give a good advice, though.

Here's what I suggest: don't listen to criticism and try to balance both, care and fun. I know how difficult it might be. But you love your brother, don't you? Most people feel content when they help others, maybe you do too. Think of it as a challenge that no one else has, the one that makes you grow inside. I'm sure it is possible to arrange time in a way that you are able to go to some parties, cinema, concerts, etc. You are not locked, right? So just do it.

Your friends might not know the things you do, they know their wants and needs and apply them to your life. The thing is, it's not the same as theirs. So, tell them you are strong and mature enough to understand what responsibility is and to be happy at the same time. It's their problem if they can't. You shouldn't push them away, just let them know you feel good. Maybe they're just jealous they can't be as good and devoted as you? So, try to balance your duties, your free time and show everyone that you don't live in misery. Who can criticize you for feeling fine?

[Iriss_A]

Maybe i am jealous, im not sure...they dont have to deal with what i have to deal with...when i try balancing, my focus shifts. I cant find anything in common with them anymore, maybe cuz i havent spent much time with them. I want to feel good about myself without hearing any "but"s. Its just too much hard work for me to stay there, stay at feeling good.

[natmika]

Life isn't about partying 24-7, but it also isn't all about responsibilities. You are doing the best thing you can, helping your family and taking care of your brother, but you should be able to take some time off and do something you enjoy, otherwise you'll end up resenting them.

Try to explain that to your friends, and if they really are friends they'll understand you. It seems to me that they are quite young, and they don't have the responsibilities you already have, but eventually we all find ourselves balancing what we have to do with what we want to.

Good luck.

[Iriss_A]

Thank you for the advice thus far, now i can think in a direction.

[riverstwilight]

My brother has a developmental delay (the mind of a child in a grown up). I have been taking care of him for most of my life because my parents were seldom home to take care of us.

 

When I was a teenager, I faced much of the same criticism you are facing now.

 

I think that people are genuinely well-meaning. I think that they are hoping that the criticism will help you make better choices. The problem is that most people tend to have no clue what they are talking about when they make criticism and give advice.

 

You are the one who knows your situation the best. You are the one who knows how you feel and how much you can give and how much you can take. Make the best decisions you know how to make and learn from the results.

 

When I make decisions, I strive to take care of myself first. Criticism from others doesn't help me do that. First, I explain to people that I value their friendship and that hanging out with them helps me by giving me the freedom to have fun. However, when they criticize me, it tears me down and robs me energy I need for doing the things I need to do.

 

The people who are worth being friends with understand and focus on building me up with positive attention and respect for my choices. They still express concern when they see me draining myself dry and offer to take me out for refreshment or offer some other useful form of help.

 

The people who are not worth being friends with, continue to criticize me, so I stop talking to them. Most of them, don't even notice. Some of them criticize me for not talking to them. Those are the ones I ignore the most. If someone shows an understanding for how their criticism tore me down and an interest in not criticizing me anymore, I give them another chance, if I have known them to trustworthy in other ways. Most of them really don't notice I stopped hanging out with them.

 

The friends I have now, continually amaze me with their love and support. When they do express concern for me, they do so in a way that builds me up instead of tearing me down. When I talk to them about a problem, I feel better equipped to deal with that problem instead of feeling like their criticism is one more problem I have to deal with.

 

Here's a secret I learned from my friends. Most of my friends knew about me before I knew them. None of them talked to me because they hated the people I was hanging out with (for good reason, those people were jerks.) Because I was willing to be alone, if necessary, and removed all of the jerks from my life, the people who are my friends now felt safe to talk to me because they knew they wouldn't be exposing themselves to the jerks I had been hanging out with before.

 

Don't be afraid to tell jerks to leave you alone. You never know who you will meet. (That's a general bit of advice that may or may not apply to your situation.)

 

Refuse to settle for relationships that tear you down and seek out relationships that build you up. It's worth it.

[MissPie]

I don't think I can estimate wether they can put up for all the criticism but they're obviously well-meaning with their advices. However, like rivers said, you know your situation the best, so it's you who must know what you're doing and apparently you do.

It can't hurt to have some fun, but life really isn't all about partying.

What I can say is mainly "Do what you feel best with". So yeah. I hope I'm any help.

[CalicoSkies]

Young Adults who take care of their family are often criticized. I've not been able to put my finger on why. I am still at home with my parents. My father is not the most mentally stable person in the world and my mother has many health handicaps. I could go live on my own and be by myself. But I would worry. I would also lack the internet:shocked:. At this point it's cheaper and it benifits both my parents and myself to stay at home. They drive me to the ends of distraction sometimes but I know I'm doing a good thing and it's better for all involved at this point.

 

Just do what feels right to you and the rest will fall into place. Friends are WONDERFUL, however family is family and you just can't replace them. It is important to measure the amount of sacrifice your making. I know sometimes I splurge on various things just to keep balance.