Dark Angel

why the *'s ?

thx and thx for writing to da other curly haired man. So he only said thanks?

yeah. not checked the get well soon thread i guess!

faaaaaaaar from in that mood right now

ehhmmm.... ok...

think we have "moved on" from what happened there in our pms. there were nothing related to it in a pm today... only about another thing from that day. So everything is like before... but i still blame myself but wont tell him!!!!

but i was wrong with all of it. Like i said before: he understod what happened, dont want me to blame myself for it, wanna meet up some other day and still friends (i believe...) cant imagine looseing a friend cos of what happened that day... especially not thim with his heart. So freaking big and made of gold. and soooooooooo careing. the hug he gave me when we said g'bye when i had to go back to the hotel. the longest, biggest, warmes most careing hug iver ever gotten for a looooooooong long time! the one who helped me who had known him for a few years had never seen him give a person a hug like that before trust me it made me smile...

we only texts when im in sweden... so not much at all! Basiclly only by pm. Better, can write longer and costs a lot less...

He do understand... thats what he wrote back! And i texted him 3 times but it delivered it many more times... explained to him what happened cos he wanted to know the day after the shooting what happened. But wanted to know face-2-face but he couldnt make it so i told him that way. But would have prefered to tell him face-2-face what happened cos by text and pm is not the same. Hard to explain! But maybe also a lil happy that we didnt meet up face-2-face to talk about what happened cos i was crying my @ss out that day cos i was affraid of what he was thinking, if he was disappointed at me, maybe mad, dont wanted to see me again cos maybe got "affraid" that it would happen again, affraid that i would have lost him as a friend...

He donno i still hate and blame myself for it. We have moved on from that... I dont want him to listen to it over and over again! It was a "mistake" he got it by text and pm. I texted him in sweden about what happened but my phone was f***ed up so it wouldnt deliver... so i wrote him a pm. later that day it started working again but sended him the same kinda text 9 times the compag. that i have said that i should just try again to text him. did that 3 times i think... i felt very embarrased when it started to send those tons of texts to him and other peeps i had tried to get in contact with. And when i could get in contact with him and the other peeps i couldnt before... i then couldnt get in contact with the peeps i could get in contact with before!

hhmmm... by pm 3 time last week and yesterday... thats about it!

its hard to stop blaming myself. Think he has told me twice in pm's and once by text not to blame myself for what happened... but doesnt change it Cos i somewhere think it is my own fault that i got too much meds. in my blood. I just donno about the small panic attact. Was his hairstylist who said i had that... she took care of me for a few hours to make sure i got better... and i went back to the hotel when she did with her... sucked i had to leave around midnight!

everything is fine... like before! Except for the blaming myself!

Yeah ive written about it in the post mika depression thread i think ... can read a lil about what happened here:

http://www.mikafanclub.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3274969&postcount=503

and a lil about how i feel about it:

http://www.mikafanclub.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3274914&postcount=501

and i hate myself for what happened even though he have told me not to blame myself...

im ok i think! Still a lil down after the music vid. shoting w. neo... PND (post neo depression...)

you?

just... nm... forget it! i dont feel like talking about it

i didnt say he dont wanna talk.... i dont know if he wanna talk...

what part?

but i got a feeling that the pming might stop soonish...

i think its stupid times to go. the chance to join him @ his bday is 0.0%. Chance to get him as my valentine (god i wish ) is also 0,0%

Talk by pm.. dont that almost everyday for 5 or 6 month time... feels a lot longer and knows he things so too Not by phone much at all.... only when im in sweden. Did last weekend but that was cos i was in sweden and needed... never spoken by phone... you know.. phonecall way. And well of course speaks when we meet up!

can first see him in Jan or Feb. If he has the tme and wanna meet up... cos im going to stockholm at pretty stpid times. In jan. 4 days after his new single and vid. release and right when he has bday (14/15 -18) his bday is the 16th. And in feb. when its valentines day and he can only be busy that day (13-16)

swedish in sweden, danish in ddenmark We write in swedish/danish and spoke in emhlish the times we have met up

not easy to make him do that... i donno how... but wish i knew!

He lives in Stockholm/Sweden... 7 hour train drive from me... ive gone to stockholm once before only cos of him and last weekend also only cos of him... just donno that it basiclly only was cos of him!

Im not sure abou the friendship thingy... he use to say that he appriciate our friendship... but in his last pm he used "fan" instead...

the other way... he continued filming of course and we did say g'bye

i thought he would get disappointed ang maybe a lil mad/angry cos of what happened... but nope!

But i dont know if it has changed now... he has had time to think and relax after the filming...

what he didnt wanted to happen... i got sick (my epilepsy) not seiure... i just had too much meds. in my blood so got dizzy as hell and got a mild panic attack. He notised i wasnt feeling well but didnt wanted to know what was going on till the next day face-2-face but never happened cos he didnt have time. I was soooooooo affraid and nervous and felt so bad and angry at my self that it happened and if i had disappointed him and made him a lil angry... but he texted me and pmed me that it was ok and he understands what happened. he wanted to say g'bye when i had to leave the filming and i got a loooong biiiiiig hug, warm, close, careing. One who was next to us who have known him for 5 years told me after that she have never seen him give a person a hug like that before

But our friendship... i donno about that now...

Hope things will work out for you too soonish! sounds like you are very happy on your Mika cloud

i have to wait 10 days time till i can feel "better"