*Andraya Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Hello. I do not know if I'm putting this in the right place or not, but if that's the case, please forgive me. I've been thinking about creating this Thread for some time now, but I was a little embarassed... In this thread, I'll put some things that I write. English is not my first language, so if you find any mistakes, please tell me so I can correct them. I write to practise my english and to let go of some feelings that sometimes are eating me inside, so some themes are pretty obscure and depressing. Anyway, I'll start with something easy, ok? I wrote this one a few months ago. It is really small... Well, here it goes: Solitary Flower You give me a flower. It isn't a rose. It isn't a tulip. It isn't a lily. You smile and leave. I do not know your name. I saw you once or twice, but I never spoke to you. I smile, unconsciously. Surprisingly, I no longer feel alone. Embarrassed ... maybe. But I'm not sad anymore. Something draws me out of my thoughts. A sound. I look around, looking for the source. Across the park, a boy with hair the color of gold is sitting alone. I look at the flower in my hand. It isn't a rose. It isn't a tulip. It isn't a lily. I get up, slowly, and give him the flower. He looks at me, his blue eyes filled with tears. I smile, and leave. The boy smiles. Because the flower... It isn't a rose nor a tulip nor a lily. If we look at her, it's just a sad and lonely flower. However, if we give her love and attention, and smile at her, the flower disassembles herself and every lonely part of her go their own way, following their dreams. I was part of that flower. I was lonely and sad. But someone gave me affection and attention and set me free. The only thing I had to do was to pass the message to others. And one day ... maybe we will not be a solitary flower. Maybe we will be a bunch of solitary flowers. And, that way, we will no longer be so...alone. ----- So, what do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hey Andraya, don't be embarrassed. Your English is very good. This doesn't sound depressing really, but hopeful. Which flower did you have in mind? My favourite since I lived in Africa in the '90s is the gerbera daisy but now it seems cliché because Mika used them on stage for so long. Anyway I will comment in the next post about the wording, but wanted to first say that I enjoyed your prose and don't want you to think I'm just picking it apart. I will only comment because you asked for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You'll have to forgive my lack of technical explanations, I just know what sounds right and what doesn't. Across the park, a boy with hair of the color of gold is sitting alone. I would just say "a boy with hair the colour of gold..." If we look at it, it's just a sad and lonely flower. However, if we give it love and attention, and smile at her, the flower disassemble herself It gets a bit confusing here as you switch pronouns. I think it's okay to to speak of "it" in the first sentence and then switch to "her" in the second sentence as you're personifying the flower as you explain that she's not simply a flower. But I think you need to find a way to transition this idea smoothly and not just jump from "it" to "her" within the same (second) sentence. "Disassemble" should be "disassembles". and every lonely part of it go their own way, following their dreams. You're switching back to "it" again here, but I think you should say "every lonely part of her". I believe "every lonely part" denotes the singular (maybe there are some grammar experts who know better. ), so it should follow with "its", "his" or "her"..."own way". Otherwise you could say "all the lonely parts of her go their own ways". So it's a choice between part/its/way and parts/their/ways. The only thing I had to do was to pass the message. I think you need to indicate where or to whom the message is to be passed. For example you could say "pass the message onwards" or "pass the message to others". These are just examples, but you could choose whichever phrasing matches your intent. And one day ... maybe we will not be a solitary flower. I think this needs to be reworded for clarity as I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Do you mean "we will not be parts of a solitary flower" or "we will not be individual solitary flowers"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Andraya Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you so much for reading it and for helping me with my mistakes. Actually, I was thinking of a dandelion when I first wrote it. But I thought that it would be better to let the readers think of the flower they wanted...As for my mistakes, I already knew that I messed up with something. How to construct sentences is one of my weaknesses...That and how to put my thoughts on paper. Across the park, a boy with hair of the color of gold is sitting alone. [/Quote] I would just say "a boy with hair the colour of gold..."[/Quote] I had that when I wrote, but I edited in the last minute...Oh, well...Thanks for pointing that out. Now I'll try not to do the same mistake again. If we look at it, it's just a sad and lonely flower. However, if we give it love and attention, and smile at her, the flower disassemble herself[/Quote] It gets a bit confusing here as you switch pronouns. I think it's okay to to speak of "it" in the first sentence and then switch to "her" in the second sentence as you're personifying the flower as you explain that she's not simply a flower. But I think you need to find a way to transition this idea smoothly and not just jump from "it" to "her" within the same (second) sentence. "Disassemble" should be "disassembles".[/Quote] and every lonely part of it go their own way, following their dreams. [/Quote] You're switching back to "it" again here, but I think you should say "every lonely part of her". I believe "every lonely part" denotes the singular (maybe there are some grammar experts who know better. ), so it should follow with "its", "his" or "her"..."own way". Otherwise you could say "all the lonely parts of her go their own ways". So it's a choice between part/its/way and parts/their/ways. [/Quote] You are right. It is confusing...Hm...So, maybe it will be better if I use "her" all the through the text? Because as you said, I may be talking about a flower, but it is not just a flower...Oh, and thank you for the "disassemble" mistake. I forgot to put in the correct form (I originaly had disjoin, but also changed it before posting) The only thing I had to do was to pass the message. [/Quote]I think you need to indicate where or to whom the message is to be passed. For example you could say "pass the message onwards" or "pass the message to others". These are just examples, but you could choose whichever phrasing matches your intent.[/Quote] This part gave me a lot of trouble, actually. I was just unsure how to write it. Originally, I had "pass the message through", but it did not sound very right...The " pass the message to others" does sound better... And one day ... maybe we will not be a solitary flower. [/Quote] I think this needs to be reworded for clarity as I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Do you mean "we will not be parts of a solitary flower" or "we will not be individual solitary flowers"? Hm...Let me see if I can explain this one. Again, this is based on the flower that I thought of. The dandalion is from the Asteraceae family. [Non important information: Actually, when I say flower, it is a incorrect term on this case. What we see, normally the white little things (you know, the things that flys when you blow a dandelion) is what really is a flower.] Anyway, normally the dandalion does not grow up in contact with each other. They grow "spaced out"(thus the "solitary flower" thing). I think that it must be really lonely, to be so near others, yet so far...So, I thought: if these flowers started to pay attention to each others, then they would not be so alone. Now, think about society. Aren't we like this, sometimes? Feeling lonely, even if we are surrounded by people (sometimes also lonely)? The dandelion flower head is not to be compared to people or society. The hundreds of smaller florets is what we can do to others, may it be talking, singing, helping or just smiling. All we have to do is set them free and watch as they change others. And, one day, we will not be so lonely. One day, we will be apart phisically, but close in our hearts. That was what I meant with the last bit. However, I do not know how to put it there without messing things up. I do hope that the reader somehow gets the general message. I also like to see that people think of others things than what I originally thought. Like what happened with you on the chosen flower. (By the way, both the Dandelion and the Gerbera are from the Asteraceae family. So you were really close to what I had in mind ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guylainem123 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 that's very pretty andraya i didn't find it depressing, but hopeful thanks for sharing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Etoile2roses Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I really love this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Efriani Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I love it, Andraya... The flower metaphors about care, doesn't it? You wrote it beautifully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anney Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I like it. Sounds beautiful^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mari62 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Andraya, I really love what you wrote: it's very sweet and poetic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet.pixie Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 That's so pretty When I first started reading it reminded me of what I write Kinda impersonall, with no names. I like it pretty much In case you're interested this is my blog (it's new yet) http://littlecrypticstories.blogspot.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qwurtie Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 wow that was amazing. you write very well And, that way, we will be no longer so...alone. ermm....one tiny correction? And, that way, we will no longer be so...alone. =) EDIT: oh and... I never spoke with you I never spoke to you. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Andraya Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you so much! You are all very kind. I love it, Andraya...The flower metaphors about care, doesn't it? You wrote it beautifully Yes. The flowers are what each one of us can do to others. That's so pretty When I first started reading it reminded me of what I write Kinda impersonall, with no names. I like it pretty much In case you're interested this is my blog (it's new yet) http://littlecrypticstories.blogspot.com/ Thank you. I went to your blog and you write really well. I loved the one you posted on 6 of February. The message was really strong and I can somehow relate with it. Actually, I also have a blog, but (almost) everything there is on my native language... wow that was amazing. you write very well And, that way, we will be no longer so...alone. ermm....one tiny correction? And, that way, we will no longer be so...alone. =) EDIT: oh and... I never spoke with you I never spoke to you. =) Thank you for the correction! God, I have lots of mistakes... I will try to put another prose here...But I'll try to not do so much mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet.pixie Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you. I went to your blog and you write really well. I loved the one you posted on 6 of February. The message was really strong and I can somehow relate with it. Actually, I also have a blog, but (almost) everything there is on my native language... Thanks I actually find myself more confortable writing in English for some strange reason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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