I wanted to edit the transcript from Poisonyoulove and edited a couple of things.
For tonight. . . I never really know what piano I'm gonna play, right? In Salt Lake City, I got a church piano, which within about ten minutes of me playing sounded completely out of tune and painful. Because it wasn't used to me going *pounds keys*. In Los Angeles I got a piece of s**t". But here, here I've been given a piano to play that, that people would pay me not to play it.
This, ladies and gentlemen, wait for the geek-out, is a never-been-played-before Steinway B! And the very kind man that has lent it to us tonight to play is out of his f***ing mind. 'Cause at music college, I went to the Royal College of Music, they had nice piano rooms where you could play if you played *plays lightly* like that, and then they had the really bad Japanese piano rooms, like, not even Japanese, but the Chinese-made ones made out of chipboard, and those were the ones that we got, for good reason.
So tonight I shall play lovingly and try and make a little bit less mistakes than I normally do. *plays lightly* Like that!
Hey, that's why I wore the f***ing bow tie! The only reason, I wore it, I wore it so, so the piano wouldn't stand me up, bitch! *slaps piano*
Pianos are definitely women. That's my opinion, piano is a woman. Even though French say ‘au piano’ which means male. I think they're women, I don't know why. It's probably something deeply sexist in man and we're not even aware of it.
Audience member: It's because you're playing it!
Ooooooooo!? What did she say?
Oh, you're gross. You're really gross. Wash your mouth with soap. Not in Salt Lake City now…
Well . . .