Who am I?

[calicojasmine]

I left my ex-husband 12 years ago - he was abusive in every sense of the word. I have learned NOT to depend on anyone for anything QUOTE]

 

 

never ever depend on anyone but yourself:thumb_yello: so many people stay with abusive jerks, i'm proud of you you left though i dont no you and let me offer you some:flowers2: something that he probably nver did or not very often i'm sure. take care of yourself because nobody else will:wink2:

 

xx

 

Thank you for that.... Yes, I know about taking care of myself and that no one else will - that was my whole point - in the whole 12 years since I left my ex I haven't been in any kind of relationship - which suits me just fine. My trust factor on a scale of one to ten is probably minus ten..........

[Pam Travers]

 

Thank you for that.... Yes, I know about taking care of myself and that no one else will - that was my whole point - in the whole 12 years since I left my ex I haven't been in any kind of relationship - which suits me just fine. My trust factor on a scale of one to ten is probably minus ten..........

 

lol, that's the opposite of me...i trust everyone in a minute:roftl:

I totally go blind when it comes to trust

 

you know i'm a loner too,i choose it too but on the other hand you shouldnt close you heart really, it's not worth it really, it's cool to be:mf_lustslow: sometimes

[calicojasmine]

 

lol, that's the opposite of me...i trust everyone in a minute:roftl:

I totally go blind when it comes to trust

 

you know i'm a loner too,i choose it too but on the other hand you shouldnt close you heart really, it's not worth it really, it's cool to be:mf_lustslow: sometimes

 

Ohhhhhhh nooooooooooo........ I've been burned too many times!!!!!

[findingmywords]

Nice thread!

Very very true..

Has got me thinking

I'll type tomorrow! I have to go to bed and my parents can probably hear the keyboard klinking

goodnight! Love you all!

[CazGirl]

very interesting posts guys! It's amazing how all of ours pasts has suffered sadness at one point or another...no wonder we're Mika fans

[phunkygal]

srry! i was in mid-biography! i needa finish!

[phunkygal]

anyways,

 

 

my interests:

collecting jewelery

'making necklaces out of doll heads

duct tape (duh)

writing poems

collecting emo gloves

dressing up my kitty

eatin masked potatoes(my fave food)

the MFC

hanging out with my grandfather

listening to music

sucking on rings

smelling weird things

practicing random speeaches in the mirror

talking to myself

screaming

hanging with friends

stalking luke

researching the history of chicken noodle soup

watching Paranormal State, Project runway, a haunting, bizarre foods....

and ya...ill just stop

[calicojasmine]

very interesting posts guys! It's amazing how all of ours pasts has suffered sadness at one point or another...no wonder we're Mika fans

 

I only know suffering and I feel compelled to end it all...

[calicojasmine]

I only know suffering and I feel compelled to end it all...

 

HAHAHAHAHA So typical.... I could jump off a bridge and no one would notice....

[wasabi_tea]

I hope you're not being serious... o_O

 

Life would be completely meaningless without suffering. Just imagine a life where everything is peachy and God plonks down a divine hand to walk everyone through it - what's the point in that? Also, how would anyone appreciate the good things in life if things were permanently good? Life needs suffering in order to be life.

 

I don't like to call what I go through 'suffering', as I realise that I'm spoilt as hell, and so have no right to. But it is difficult sometimes to keep going. In my case, it's because my existence doesn't seem to do much good for others, I'm just a parasite - but I figure that if I work hard enough, I can get to a stage where my existence is beneficial for those around me, and where I'll be able to make people happy rather than upsetting them/scaring them/basically being a bother to them. That goal is what keeps me going when I'm practically clawing at the walls.

 

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say with this post, but I guess it's something along the lines of "don't give up."

[calicojasmine]

I hope you're not being serious... o_O

 

Life would be completely meaningless without suffering. Just imagine a life where everything is peachy and God plonks down a divine hand to walk everyone through it - what's the point in that? Also, how would anyone appreciate the good things in life if things were permanently good? Life needs suffering in order to be life.

 

I don't like to call what I go through 'suffering', as I realise that I'm spoilt as hell, and so have no right to. But it is difficult sometimes to keep going. In my case, it's because my existence doesn't seem to do much good for others, I'm just a parasite - but I figure that if I work hard enough, I can get to a stage where my existence is beneficial for those around me, and where I'll be able to make people happy rather than upsetting them/scaring them/basically being a bother to them. That goal is what keeps me going when I'm practically clawing at the walls.

 

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say with this post, but I guess it's something along the lines of "don't give up."

 

But what about a life of suffering without any goodness? What do you do with that? How do you justify an existence of physical, emotional and psychic suffering when every single intention and act that you have and do is for the ultimate good of everyone and everything, putting yourself last, every single time? Okay, I have taught myself to take better care of myself but the altruism remains.... My life has been a downward spiral of abuse, trauma, illness and injury since I was in utero.... and there is no justification for any of that... I have never been believed, cared for or taken seriously... The anger that wells up inside me had best be directed at myself because I cannot fathom the homicidal madness I would wreak....

 

And in answer to your very first comment, "Yes, indeed, I am very, very, serious......"

[sparkly1]

very interesting posts guys! It's amazing how all of ours pasts has suffered sadness at one point or another...no wonder we're Mika fans

That's because I don't think ANYONE goes through a whole life without suffering in some way, I mean what some of us have been through is dire but then I kinda have to put it into perspective sometimes and think about those who for instance have lost a child to a murderer or worse, or those ppl starving to death, those who see death of their loved ones and communities all the time, I wonder at how they can pick up the pieces to carry on but they do, I guess I have a lot of respect for their inner strength.

[ThatRadFreak]

That's because I don't think ANYONE goes through a whole life without suffering in some way, I mean what some of us have been through is dire but then I kinda have to put it into perspective sometimes and think about those who for instance have lost a child to a murderer or worse, or those ppl starving to death, those who see death of their loved ones and communities all the time, I wonder at how they can pick up the pieces to carry on but they do, I guess I have a lot of respect for their inner strength.

 

I dont believe in perspective xD

Becuase everyones life is different, so for one person, they could see it as a small problem, but for someone else, its huge.

I suppose it just depends on how well you deal with stuff, or how well you dont deal with stuff.

Some people can cope through crying, others use alcohol, for others it drugs, for some its self harm, and for some, its something completely different.

[IngievV]

Okay different sides of me:

 

The Energetic Girl

Around people whom I trust, feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be a friend, I can feel comfortable around a stranger too. Usually I'm bouncy, always smiling, joking. This is only when I really connect with people and when I had too much sugar:naughty: Also when I'm on stage I get all the energy out of there. I love attention, positive attention.

 

Good Girl

Around some people I'm an angel. I have a sweet nature with some sharp edges. I know how to switch, when to be calm or full of energy. The good girl in me never makes her own decisions, has got a huge will to please...

 

The bitch

I have a more bitchy personality too. When I want something, I won't stop until I get it. I have this urge to keep going after what I have set as a goal and in the meantime I can hurt people. I want to do things my way and if that doesn't happen, I get moody. Also when I'm your friend I'm the most loyal person on this earth...but when I'm betrayed or I don't like you (which hardly ever happens since I'm a neutral person) I'm nasty.

 

The Broken Girl

From the age of 7 until 14 I've been going through hell. Still a little bit. I sometimes think back of it, but I don't want pity nor do I pity myself. The scars left on me made me stronger. It made me more aware, made me see the good and bad in people. I'm no longer naive and it made me harsher. But I'm loving everyday now and I embrace the life I have. Still I wish I could go back to that period and do it again. Because somehow it feels like I missed a huge part of my childhood. The wounds won't heal, the pain remains the same, but I can live now, it's a part of me and made me who I am...

[sparkly1]

I dont believe in perspective xD

Becuase everyones life is different, so for one person, they could see it as a small problem, but for someone else, its huge.

I suppose it just depends on how well you deal with stuff, or how well you dont deal with stuff.

Some people can cope through crying, others use alcohol, for others it drugs, for some its self harm, and for some, its something completely different.

 

exactly, and also sometimes ppl can cope with one thing but not another and sometimes they can cope with a lot and at other times hardly anything at all, it's really quite a complex thing as each person is an individual, sometimes it's so hard to think positive but it's better all round if you can try your damdest cos the alternative is not a good one.

[CazGirl]

But what about a life of suffering without any goodness? What do you do with that? How do you justify an existence of physical, emotional and psychic suffering when every single intention and act that you have and do is for the ultimate good of everyone and everything, putting yourself last, every single time? Okay, I have taught myself to take better care of myself but the altruism remains.... My life has been a downward spiral of abuse, trauma, illness and injury since I was in utero.... and there is no justification for any of that... I have never been believed, cared for or taken seriously... The anger that wells up inside me had best be directed at myself because I cannot fathom the homicidal madness I would wreak....

 

And in answer to your very first comment, "Yes, indeed, I am very, very, serious......"

 

Sweetheart, it's great of you to put others before yourself, but sometimes it's OKAY to be "selfish"...although in your case I don't think "selfish" is the word...I know you've been through a heck of a lot but what about the most important person in the world which is yourself? It's okay to step back, take a breather, and treat yourself. You deserve so much happiness so you should get it, hun.

 

That's because I don't think ANYONE goes through a whole life without suffering in some way, I mean what some of us have been through is dire but then I kinda have to put it into perspective sometimes and think about those who for instance have lost a child to a murderer or worse, or those ppl starving to death, those who see death of their loved ones and communities all the time, I wonder at how they can pick up the pieces to carry on but they do, I guess I have a lot of respect for their inner strength.

 

I understand what you mean Viv, but as Carmel says, "they could see it as a small problem, but for someone else, its huge."

Someone in Africa may well be dying of hunger or HIV/AIDs, but someone else in a richer country could be left heartbroken and on the brink of suicide, another person may have no friends and be bullied endlessly and then come home to witnessing domestic violence.

 

There are many different types of suffering, and I don't think there is a scale on how badly suffering can be (i.e number 1 being "not so suffering" and number 10 being "hugely suffering".

 

People can suffer together in groups or on their own. Suffering is just suffering, and while others may think your problem is little, the person experiencing that pain could be the biggest pain they have ever felt. Everyone has their own interpretations, and this is mine.

 

The bitch

I have a more bitchy personality too. When I want something, I won't stop until I get it. I have this urge to keep going after what I have set as a goal and in the meantime I can hurt people. I want to do things my way and if that doesn't happen, I get moody. Also when I'm your friend I'm the most loyal person on this earth...but when I'm betrayed or I don't like you (which hardly ever happens since I'm a neutral person) I'm nasty.

 

Ohhh I'm like that. I can hold a grudge for a VEERRRRY long time...i'd give an example but it's far too long...

 

The Broken Girl

From the age of 7 until 14 I've been going through hell. Still a little bit. I sometimes think back of it, but I don't want pity nor do I pity myself. The scars left on me made me stronger. It made me more aware, made me see the good and bad in people. I'm no longer naive and it made me harsher. But I'm loving everyday now and I embrace the life I have. Still I wish I could go back to that period and do it again. Because somehow it feels like I missed a huge part of my childhood. The wounds won't heal, the pain remains the same, but I can live now, it's a part of me and made me who I am...

 

I know what you mean by that. My best friend and I were bullied endlessly from infant school, all through junior school, till the very end of senior school. I grew up and matured very quickly in my school years and I always felt as though my school life wasn't normal. However, I wouldn't go back and change anything because it's made me who I am. Some people are just pricks and there's nothing I can do about it lol, and there are certain ways to handle certain situations. Outside school, my life was perfect: I had a hobby which I was good at, my best friend was more like my brother and he's like the other half of myself. Inside school out friendship was still like a rock, despite their acid tongues trying to erode us away.

[IngievV]

 

 

 

I know what you mean by that. My best friend and I were bullied endlessly from infant school, all through junior school, till the very end of senior school. I grew up and matured very quickly in my school years and I always felt as though my school life wasn't normal. However, I wouldn't go back and change anything because it's made me who I am. Some people are just pricks and there's nothing I can do about it lol, and there are certain ways to handle certain situations. Outside school, my life was perfect: I had a hobby which I was good at, my best friend was more like my brother and he's like the other half of myself. Inside school out friendship was still like a rock, despite their acid tongues trying to erode us away.

 

 

Yeah, I was also bullied on top of it all. I don't want to just spill the beans on the forum so if you want to know I'll PM you because I trust you:wink2:

[CazGirl]

Yeah, I was also bullied on top of it all. I don't want to just spill the beans on the forum so if you want to know I'll PM you because I trust you:wink2:

 

I'll only let you tell me if you feel you can.

[IngievV]

I'll only let you tell me if you feel you can.

 

I do, but not now..I'm tired and should go to bed:naughty:

[wasabi_tea]

But what about a life of suffering without any goodness? What do you do with that? How do you justify an existence of physical, emotional and psychic suffering when every single intention and act that you have and do is for the ultimate good of everyone and everything, putting yourself last, every single time? Okay, I have taught myself to take better care of myself but the altruism remains.... My life has been a downward spiral of abuse, trauma, illness and injury since I was in utero.... and there is no justification for any of that... I have never been believed, cared for or taken seriously... The anger that wells up inside me had best be directed at myself because I cannot fathom the homicidal madness I would wreak....

 

And in answer to your very first comment, "Yes, indeed, I am very, very, serious......"

 

Indeed, it is unfair. But, how I see things, life was never designed to be fair. Hell, one example is that a disgusting little creature like me can live in luxury while better, more worthy people get all the worst things happening to them. I do honestly wish that it was the other way round, because, you see, while I recognise the importance of suffering within life, I ironically find it very upsetting to see others suffering, especially if it's really bad (which was pretty much why I said I hoped you weren't serious =/ ), and well... I would just rather have the worst suffering happen to me instead of to anyone else. And y'know, I'd gladly 'absorb' all your suffering into myself if I could, so then you could live the rest of your life happily.

 

But, as unfair as life is, there are little things within it that are good. You're obviously on this forum because of Mika, right? For me, I found that discovering Mika and his music brought a little bit of colour back into my monochrome world at a time when I really needed it, and actually, music in general has helped me my whole life - I've actually said to someone before that if it wasn't for music, I'd probably be dead by now (to which the person's response was, "That's scary!" Ohoho...). Listening to certain types of music when I'm in certain moods helps, but also, I have somewhat of an outlet for my darkest feelings in songwriting (You said about homicidal anger - I have an album-and-a-half's worth of song ideas based on the very feeling! [some of them make up part of an anti-Valentine's Day/romance in general album, nyahaha!]). Do you have some sort of outlet or something that could at least make you feel a little bit better?

 

Blah. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you... all I can really say is that I think it takes a pretty strong person to be able to survive through what you have, and that I think that now that you've made it this far, surely there must be better things in store for you in the future, even if it may not seem like it now. I do hope the best for you.

 

(And I apologise for the garbledness of my posts, I'm not very good at articulating myself... ; )

[sparkly1]

 

I understand what you mean Viv, but as Carmel says, "they could see it as a small problem, but for someone else, its huge."

Someone in Africa may well be dying of hunger or HIV/AIDs, but someone else in a richer country could be left heartbroken and on the brink of suicide, another person may have no friends and be bullied endlessly and then come home to witnessing domestic violence.

 

There are many different types of suffering, and I don't think there is a scale on how badly suffering can be (i.e number 1 being "not so suffering" and number 10 being "hugely suffering".

 

People can suffer together in groups or on their own. Suffering is just suffering, and while others may think your problem is little, the person experiencing that pain could be the biggest pain they have ever felt. Everyone has their own interpretations, and this is mine.

 

I shall quote myself cos I said just the same a little further on only in different words lol

 

exactly, and also sometimes ppl can cope with one thing but not another and sometimes they can cope with a lot and at other times hardly anything at all, it's really quite a complex thing as each person is an individual, sometimes it's so hard to think positive but it's better all round if you can try your damdest cos the alternative is not a good one.