I wanna talk to you.

[CazGirl]

I would have to agree with you on this one. I am myself going through it, but my husband and I are the opposites. He is the one that wont touch me or hug me or even tell me he loves me. I am at a loss at what to do. But the point being, one of these days you will understand and I hope that you never have to go through a loveless marriage with kids involved. You have to think about your mom and dad. If they are not happy, it will never work. Even through counseling majority of the time it don't work.

 

My thoughts are, sit them down with just the three of you. All of you talk it out. Tell them both you are legally an adult, and they need to grow up and be adults too. They need to make the decision and you will be behind them both whatever the outcome. Now is one time in your life you need to be strong. Help them to be friends. Make sure that they know that you will love them no matter what. It's gonna hurt if they do, but it will get better. Trust me.

 

I grew up in a divorced family and my dad raised me. My parents HATED each other and I was miserable. Tell them your fears about them splitting, and tell them the good things about it.

 

I know that I am just rambling, and I am sorry. I hope something made sense. lol....

 

Hugs and hang in there.... it will get better. Think of it as a new adventure in your life!

 

-Angela

 

PS. I was going to post this yesterday, but the forum went down before I could send it....lol

 

Thank you, and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. I hope that it works out for the best, whatever happens x x x

[CazGirl]

Hello, CazGirl, Pobrecita,

I'm so sorry to hear of your anguish,

aside from the emotional side, the financial/practical can be overwhelming too.

Have you checked into (I don't know they system in the UK) but do they have student loans you can take out? Here they have some that are very cheap, thru the gov't. , others thru private banks. You just have to show proof that you're enrolled in classes full-time. Some are just for tuition/books, others are for all living expenses. I'm working a part time job that barely pays my utilities, it's my student loans that are paying my rent, food, etc.

Eventually I'll have to pay it all back, for me it's SO worth it.

maybe that's an option??

Good luck, honey!

Leona

 

ohhh i have this biiiig fear of loans! :roftl:

 

Oh I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through!

But just like Cystal said it often gets better in the long run.

It’s not good to be a child growing up in a home without love, with two unhappy parents.

 

I don’t know if I understood it right but I really hope your parents have friends of their own to talk to about these difficult things. You are their child even if you are 18 and it is hard to get too much involved. After all you love them both.

 

And oh, your Mika lyric was right on the spot!

 

I hope things are getting better real soon!

 

thanks hun x x x

[Oakie Doke]

*slaps MFC for not letting her get at this thread*

 

I've gone through a different situation, but here's my reveal and advice session

 

My parents split up when I was twelve, and I'm 19 now. I'm the same kind of outwardly happy person as you describe - it was over a year before my best friends realised that my dad had left, and they found out from someone else I don't know if it's because it was quite a while ago, or because I've just blocked it all out, but I don't really remember a lot of the whole thing. I can remember being told, I can remember a period of attempted bribery to make me accept my dad's girlfriend, and I can remember a period of slight insanity on my mother's behalf (I put this down to classic teenage rebellion years, until I was reading my diary a few months back and realised that no, she really did go a tad crazy). I can't really remember what it's like to have a normal mum-dad-kids family, which I guess is the major issue to you at the moment, but I think the most important thing I can say is - this family I have now is perfectly fine. It's not the end of the world, your life isn't going to go haywire, your parents just aren't going to be a couple anymore.

 

As I said, I can't remember what things went through my mind, but I imagine worry about how your not going to be a family anymore, it's going to be all weird, different, etc. But as inconceivable as it might seem, you will totally adapt and it'll become completely normal. My life makes perfect sense, and if I try and think about what it would be like if my parents were together .. that makes my brain hurt. Especially because they openly admit how much they secretly hated each other now (don't get me wrong, they are the kind of divorcees that get along fine, and can talk perfectly normally to each other, as your's sound like they would be ... but they can't help but bitch and moan about how they are better than each other - I don't think any can refrain from that ), and to think of them together is just wrong. I have my mum who lives here, feeds me, and moans about chores, and I have my dad who lives 15 minutes away, and showers me with gifts, praise and well wishes. Perfect family dynamic! And most importantly - we get two Christmases, two birthdays, etc

 

"why cant he come down here?" so i said "errrr because we dont have a spare room?" and out the blue she said "what if me and dad split up, then he'd have somewhere to go"

 

Our mothers sound completely identical. Just a hint of craziness. Mine is the same emotion-less-driver-awayer-of-people, and says the exact same ridiculous types of things like this. *strains brain trying to think of an example* Okay, so I can't think of anything, but this conversation just screams my mum

 

While I understand that my parents need to talk to someone (why they can't do it to each other is BEYOND me!!) and while I'd love to help, it's puts a lot of strain and upset on my part too, because I'm a sensitive soul. I'm trying to take it in as much stride as possible but...it's hard.

 

I know you’re much older, but the thought of parents using their kids as councillors is kind of sickening. You shouldn't have to deal with that. You love them both, and having to listen to their sides of the story is the last thing in the world you want. Tell them to talk to each other, someone else, their friends, anyone but their own kid.

 

...

 

Uhh, yeah, so in summary, my point is that once you get over this hurdle, your life will still be normal, it’ll just be different to what you have now, but not worse or better :

 

Say Goodbye to the world you thought you lived in

Take a bow, play the part of a lonely, lonely heart

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in

 

 

Oh and about the choosing who to live with – OMG! Don’t even think about that yet. Your parents haven’t even decided on anything yet, their just thinking about it. And most likely what will happen is that one of them will stay where they are and the other will move, so then (and that’ll be a while, because they’d have to find where they move to, etc) you can think about where you’d rather stay. And you can base the decision on closeness to school, etc. No one’s feelings would be hurt or anything.

 

 

When our parents split we were probably the same age as you because we just finished high school. We thought they were so happy together and boom, they split and later got divorced. Now my dad has a girlfriend which we think is the cause of all of this and it is very hard sometimes for us to see them together even though he introduced us to her like several months after our parents split. We don't even want to talk about and it's been a few years. We're almost 22 now. It is very hard and I would put that emotion and all that jazz on our worst enemy. We thought that we were the perfect family. Our dads girlfriend (NOW finance) is nice and we get along okay but she'll never be our mom and we think she knows that.

 

Hey, same boat! (except it happened longer ago and when I was younger for me - but not so young I didn't understand what was going on) I know the official reason my parents split is because my dad was cheating on my mum, but I also know the reason he was doing that was because they were already apart, my mum had already blocked him out ... you know what I mean? A happy couple that's going to stay together happily for the rest of their lives isn't going to go around cheating on each other, so I've gotten over it, and have no grudge against my dad's girlfriend (now fiance too) at all. At first my biggest deal was that I was being blatantly bribed into liking her, the sickest part being that it had been happening before my mum even knew about her under the persona of "his work friend who also likes Harry Potter" (as I said, not so young that I was fricking stupid). I can't really remember the transition well, but it involved a lot more continual blatant bribery. The most successful of which was my dad getting an awesome property and animals that he knew I couldn't resist, so I went over there regularly, and generally took advantage of her situation of "person who is treading really carefully and showering with gifts and no form of punishment or negativity". But yeah, anyway, dunno what's up with the tangent down memory lane there, but the transition happened, and now I'm good friends with her. We're really quite alike and are friends to the normal level a teenager-adult friendship stretches, but we totally do things together (like .. minus my dad) just because we enjoy doing them lol. And I don’t find it weird to see my dad together with her, because my parents don’t like each other anymore, they like each other, so good on them. She’ll never be any kind of mother figure, she’s just my dad’s friend.

 

What a load of blabbing on my behalf. And your not even the people this thread is about anyway, my point was, I hope some day you guys can get along better or at least feel more comfortable around your dad’s fiancé, and that my advice it to think of her more as your dad’s friend than the “other woman that stole your dad from your mum and ****ed everything up”.

[xBillyBrownx]

Aww I'm so sorry! I hope things work out for you.. You're a great person and you deserve all the best.. You've just got to remain strong.. And you should know that it's better to have divorced parents who still respect eachother than endure a lifetime of watching them fight and direspect eachother and still not be able to do anything about it.

xxx

know that we're all your family and we're all here for you

[calicojasmine]

Hey Caz,

 

Aw, it sucks so bad what you're going through - I'm sorry to hear about it. Hope you're starting to see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel (that is not an oncoming train! LOL!)

As you can see, I use humor a lot in these "dark" times (pun intended!) - I did not have the experience of my parents splitting up but perhaps that should have happened because our household was about as dysfunctional as it could get. My mother was a crazed, abusive lunatic, whereas my father, the most caring, generous and hardworking person on the planet would literally give the shirt off his back to a complete stranger. So obviously this was a disturbing situation. It kind of mimics scenarios where feuding couples agree to "stay together because of the kids". HUH??? Like what kind of rationale is that? So as hard as it is to wrap your mind around the fact that your parents are separating, keep in mind that it will be a hell of a lot healthier than living in a war zone. Shellshock, landmines and nuclear reactors can be hazardous to one's health.

Another thing to remember, Caz, is not to own any of this - this is your parents' schtick, not your's - and yet, it always seems the kids are the ones carrying around the lion's share of the guilt. Do not accept any of it. In fact, from bad things come the good. Things happen for a reason. I don't believe in coincidences. You are eighteen years old and it is definitely your time to grow up and move on... This could very well be the beginning of a whole new, exciting chapter in your life. Accept it. Don't fight it.

And do not ever be afraid to embrace your emotions. Cry if you must. It is the most beautiful thing - it cleanses your body and soul of all the toxins and imperfections - when it's finally over you feel like a July afternoon following a sudden, fierce thunderstorm - the sun returns, the smell is heavenly, the birds are singing and there's even a rainbow. Dare to believe for a pot of gold at the end of said rainbow?? Hey, you can always dream.......

And in the same way that you give yourself permission to face the grief and tears, you must allow yourself to be happy, rejoice, return to the land of the living, be crazy, have fun, do the kinds of things you've always wanted to do but felt too reserved to do. Dress up in crazy costumes, go to different shows/parties/clubs, listen to (MIKA!) music!, find new hobbies, try new sports, create new clubs..... the possibilities are endless......

It's no secret that I am having an extremely turbulent life (that's gotta be the understatement of the millennium! ) No, it isn't easy - every day is a struggle. But every day is a fight and I believe that now every day is a bit of a victory. I'm not down and out yet. The fight goes on. And a large part of my survival hinges on helping others in similar situations. I've devoted my entire life to helping those less fortunate than me (both two-footed and four-footed varieties - yes, even the underdogs! haha! pun intended!) We can all make it - if we help each other and we continue the fight......

Caz, if you ever want to talk and share, please PM me. You are a sweetie and I share your pain.

 

cj

xoxo

[norwalk174]

That's a HUGE post!

[wasabi_tea]

Aww, CazGirl, I'm sorry to hear about all this

 

My parents are gonna split up after both my younger brother and I have moved out and gotten jobs and stuff - they're currently only really together because of financial reasons. Luckily, I've had many, many years (most of my life, really) to get used to them not getting along particularly well and pretty much avoiding each other, though, so it'll probably even be a relief once it finally happens (and it kinda helps too that I've developed a pessimistic attitude towards practically everything in life and so am rarely disappointed these days, heh *LOL* ), but it must be such a terrible shock to have the idea of one's parents splitting up suddenly come crashing down upon you like that. =/ It is a comforting thought, however, that my parents will surely be much happier once they have separated - from what you said, it'll probably be the same for your parents too.

 

I just hope the best for you. *sends an e-hug!*

[musicfreak]

just remember everything happens for a reason, i'm sure some good will come out of this.

[lovepupbandit]

Oh I know what your going through, my parents....they're probably going to split, which is both good and bad, but for me also, I can just listen to Mika and I'll feel so much better.

[nikjass]

Thanky you everyone so much....I really feel so close to some of you and I feel we bond on a deeper level, and seeing you here making those wonderful comments really does warm me up.

 

I went out today just a few moments ago and just thought about my life...and I've never actually quite realised how f***ed up it is. Not necessarily all MY life, but the things that happened to those I know...and I stopped and thought about how or why I can constantly smile and be happy.

 

I've realised that my life has had more downs then ups but what I've noticed even more is that I've got through it all. Things happen, things change, but we move on. And I don't think it's just WHAT happens that affect us; it's HOW we deal with it and how we come to terms with it if we do. That's what makes us who we are.

 

I've also come to understand that most of my life I have been "smiling and trying to mean it".

 

I am surrounded by great friends...my sisters have said that I can talk to them because we're in the same boat, and it's great to know that they're there (sorry, im welling up again and cant see my screen, apologies for any mistakes lol!)

 

Most of all I wish my parents to be happy, and if that means going their separate ways then so be it. However, like Mika, because of all the depressing things that have happened I've created a happy, cartoon-like world in my head where I constantly live, because it keeps me preoccupied and it kinda feels like the childhood I sometimes feel I missed out on. this is also a gift and a curse; an imagination as wild as mine promotes my creativity because I'm able to draw and write, but it's a curse because it's times like this where I'm snapped out of it and wake up in the real world surrounded by it's many demons, and I just about realise how dark and dismal this world is, how scary it can be, how alone I sometimes feel even though I know I'm not, and a sense of responsibility and decisions having over my head like a blanket that I can't lift up.

 

In my happy world, my parents are together, they love each other, we're absolutely perfect and above all: we're happy. As some of you may have realised, I'm a very optimistic and hopeful person, always trying to find the good that must come out from something bad, trying to find that silver lining but I know I can't live in my world all the time. As happy as it can make me it can't give me eternal happiness, because I need to find that in real world, I need to find that within myself.

 

I am happy with myself, I wouldn't change myself for anyone because I can't be what I'm not, but I wish my life was just a little bit different right now....but I know it will pass. 2007 was such a fantastic year simply because of Mika, and I have a feeling this year is gonna be a little bit sh*t. However, Mika will help me through this. Like the lyrics I posted in my first post, he has a way of explaining things that I know I could not, and his music helps express what I feel.

 

I will try my very best to focus on the things I love; singing, DANCING, acting, DRAWING, WRITING, and above all I will focus on my education. Family life will always be a part of me obviously, but I know I can't make my parent's decisions for them. I may be their daughter but I'm not a part of their relationship, and THEY are the ones who have to grow up and act like adults if they want to sort this out. I'll listen to them, but I can't do anything for them, neither should they expect me to.

 

But I'll be strong because I know I am. Everything in my past has made me who I am today and I'm not going to let this affect me. My parents may need me as a support and rock too, and I can't crumble for not only their sake, but for mine too.

 

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is deciding who I'm going to live with...

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, i'd always say. I think you're a sensible girl that will go through this with not much bother. Proof is quoted above Anyway, I just want to share my personal experience with you, in hope that it'll help even more somehow. My parents were officially divorced when I was 16, before that it was World war III in my house. I've always learnt to stay out of their problems and somehow that was exactly the thing that helped me through it. From what I can recall it did not affect me at all... I think it was because I didn't allow it to affect me, I went about my business as usual and always kept myself busy with my own stuff, I just did what I had to do and left them to it basically. When they finally made their decision I was actually pleased, cause i knew it was for the best. Btw, I didn't even talk to any of my friends about the problems at home, I didn't even tell my good friends until long after it happened. I know ppl say it's good to vent out, and talk about your problems, but in this case I found not talking about it or think too much about it helped. I was not in denial, I knew exactly what was happening, accepted the fact that things will change and just moved on. After that everything fell into place and that's it.

[Haley & Megan Meyer]

*slaps MFC for not letting her get at this thread*

 

I've gone through a different situation, but here's my reveal and advice session

 

My parents split up when I was twelve, and I'm 19 now. I'm the same kind of outwardly happy person as you describe - it was over a year before my best friends realised that my dad had left, and they found out from someone else I don't know if it's because it was quite a while ago, or because I've just blocked it all out, but I don't really remember a lot of the whole thing. I can remember being told, I can remember a period of attempted bribery to make me accept my dad's girlfriend, and I can remember a period of slight insanity on my mother's behalf (I put this down to classic teenage rebellion years, until I was reading my diary a few months back and realised that no, she really did go a tad crazy). I can't really remember what it's like to have a normal mum-dad-kids family, which I guess is the major issue to you at the moment, but I think the most important thing I can say is - this family I have now is perfectly fine. It's not the end of the world, your life isn't going to go haywire, your parents just aren't going to be a couple anymore.

 

As I said, I can't remember what things went through my mind, but I imagine worry about how your not going to be a family anymore, it's going to be all weird, different, etc. But as inconceivable as it might seem, you will totally adapt and it'll become completely normal. My life makes perfect sense, and if I try and think about what it would be like if my parents were together .. that makes my brain hurt. Especially because they openly admit how much they secretly hated each other now (don't get me wrong, they are the kind of divorcees that get along fine, and can talk perfectly normally to each other, as your's sound like they would be ... but they can't help but bitch and moan about how they are better than each other - I don't think any can refrain from that ), and to think of them together is just wrong. I have my mum who lives here, feeds me, and moans about chores, and I have my dad who lives 15 minutes away, and showers me with gifts, praise and well wishes. Perfect family dynamic! And most importantly - we get two Christmases, two birthdays, etc

 

 

 

Our mothers sound completely identical. Just a hint of craziness. Mine is the same emotion-less-driver-awayer-of-people, and says the exact same ridiculous types of things like this. *strains brain trying to think of an example* Okay, so I can't think of anything, but this conversation just screams my mum

 

 

 

I know you’re much older, but the thought of parents using their kids as councillors is kind of sickening. You shouldn't have to deal with that. You love them both, and having to listen to their sides of the story is the last thing in the world you want. Tell them to talk to each other, someone else, their friends, anyone but their own kid.

 

...

 

Uhh, yeah, so in summary, my point is that once you get over this hurdle, your life will still be normal, it’ll just be different to what you have now, but not worse or better :

 

 

 

 

Oh and about the choosing who to live with – OMG! Don’t even think about that yet. Your parents haven’t even decided on anything yet, their just thinking about it. And most likely what will happen is that one of them will stay where they are and the other will move, so then (and that’ll be a while, because they’d have to find where they move to, etc) you can think about where you’d rather stay. And you can base the decision on closeness to school, etc. No one’s feelings would be hurt or anything.

 

 

 

 

Hey, same boat! (except it happened longer ago and when I was younger for me - but not so young I didn't understand what was going on) I know the official reason my parents split is because my dad was cheating on my mum, but I also know the reason he was doing that was because they were already apart, my mum had already blocked him out ... you know what I mean? A happy couple that's going to stay together happily for the rest of their lives isn't going to go around cheating on each other, so I've gotten over it, and have no grudge against my dad's girlfriend (now fiance too) at all. At first my biggest deal was that I was being blatantly bribed into liking her, the sickest part being that it had been happening before my mum even knew about her under the persona of "his work friend who also likes Harry Potter" (as I said, not so young that I was fricking stupid). I can't really remember the transition well, but it involved a lot more continual blatant bribery. The most successful of which was my dad getting an awesome property and animals that he knew I couldn't resist, so I went over there regularly, and generally took advantage of her situation of "person who is treading really carefully and showering with gifts and no form of punishment or negativity". But yeah, anyway, dunno what's up with the tangent down memory lane there, but the transition happened, and now I'm good friends with her. We're really quite alike and are friends to the normal level a teenager-adult friendship stretches, but we totally do things together (like .. minus my dad) just because we enjoy doing them lol. And I don’t find it weird to see my dad together with her, because my parents don’t like each other anymore, they like each other, so good on them. She’ll never be any kind of mother figure, she’s just my dad’s friend.

 

What a load of blabbing on my behalf. And your not even the people this thread is about anyway, my point was, I hope some day you guys can get along better or at least feel more comfortable around your dad’s fiancé, and that my advice it to think of her more as your dad’s friend than the “other woman that stole your dad from your mum and ****ed everything up”.

 

 

Yeah we like our dads girlfriend pretty well. Sometimes there is something that she says like about our brother or our other side of the family and we get a little ticked off but nothing really she would see. Our brother is half brother but he seems like our full fledged brother. Our dad was married before and had our brother and got divorced. He got to keep his son and then he married our mom and had us. We were all like a happy family and our mom helped raise our brother. It was just sadness/anger and whatever else you want to add for the divorce.

 

Our dad's girlfriend has two sons and one of them are getting married so we had to go to the shower. We're taking some summer classes and will also go to more schooling in the fall and one of her sons go to the same school. But we do not tell our mom some of these things because we know it would make her feel bad. She never wanted this at all. We're just glad they didn't divorce when we were still in high school. We'd hate to go to another school. It took us 13 years at our other school to make the friends that we did have.

 

We know everything happens for a reason but sometimes it is really hard for us. Our dad, his girlfrind, our brother and his wife, us, AND our dads first wife and her husband were all talking and drinking one night. Well WE WEREN'T drinking. We will never drink. And our dads girlfriend said "Live It Up Girls" like we were know fun drinking wise. We found that so creul that she said that and went home. We're sure she didn't realize it. Nothing else was said about that subject anymore. We no we're going to have to get used to this which we almost have. We love our mother and father.

 

Wow we are really talking. Hope everything turns out for the best.

 

Take care and if you ever need some people to talk to we are here for you.

 

Love Love

The Meyer Twins

Megan and Haley

[avoca]

i'm really sorry to read this, caz. pm if you need to talk.

 

a hug, girl